Less Beliefs... More Love

 My Journey out of Mormonism 

"I lost everything I had known, but gained something unexpected in return." 

 

I still remember sitting there in church. Looking around. Hearing the talks given. Feeling the heaviness in my eyes, my head. I felt drained. Almost lifeless. Like my body was there, but my heart wasn’t.

The only thing that made me happy and heart at peace being there the past months was sitting next to my family, holding hands with my husband. Putting my arms around my little Blake, or gently scratching one of my other boy's backs or tousling their hair letting them know I loved them.

But this day, I felt like lifeless, like I couldn’t move. I just sat there. Head down, eyes unable to look up at the speakers as each one took a turn, announcing, giving talks, etc.

Weeks before I had been up baring my testimony…. And it took a lot of courage that day. I was typically a “bare my testimony” every fast Sunday kind of girl. I would always engage in class, raise my hand, offer takeaways, etc. I always found I got more out of church when I fully “engaged” and participated.

But this testimony was different. Deep down I knew my testimony was changing, and it scared me. I didn’t know where I stood anymore. Up to a few months ago, everything had always been so clear.

I had faith, no matter what. I studied, I prayed to God many times a day. I felt overwhelmed by the blessings and spiritual experiences of my life. I followed all of the steps I was taught… baptism, YW’s, married in the temple, keeping a current temple recommend, continued going to church even if we didn’t feel like it, especially when the kids were little and it was extra hard, held a calling, fully participated in all I was encouraged to do. Had Christ and temple and prophet pictures in our home, taught my kids at any given opportunity about the gospel, would gently sing them primary songs while scratching their backs and tucking them into bed at night. Our family meals always started with a prayer, and I’d either pray with our boys & encourage them to do it on their own once they were old enough.

I also ended my day with Prayer to my Heavenly Father… he was my go to for processing thoughts, calling out to him in gratitude or pain and everything in-between. I honestly depended on him. He was my rock and I just knew he was guiding me on my path in life.

I guess because of that, that’s where it all changed for me.

4 months previous, I found myself in the deepest turmoil. I had been studying the scriptures HARD. In the last few years I had especially gotten extra dedicated & had read the Book of Mormon several times. It became part of my mourning routine. Prayer, meditation, scriptures and journaling. Helpful church Podcasts that supported the come follow me curriculum since Covid had been ongoing in our home as well. I just loved learning, and wanted to understand and grow more.

I guess maybe it was because I always felt a little behind when it came to church stuff, I knew we were encouraged to read and pray daily, attend the temple, etc. but sometimes in those Sunday school lessons, I just felt really lost. So it was my goal to correct that, to take initiative and to dive in deeper and really “know for myself” as we were encouraged at the 2020 general conference. “We can no longer get by on someone else’s testimony” they said…So I took the challenge seriously.

After all, growing up in the Mormon faith, I was one of those “childlike faith” minded people. I always “believed.” Like duh!! Of course this is the truth, just look around!” Even my answers to if the Book of Mormon was true question were similar… no matter how many times I’d read and ask God. It was always the same. “You already know.” ??? I never quite knew how to take that, but the warm calm feeling I’d get while reading would suffice and I keep on wholeheartedly believing it was true.

I even have this memory as a young girl, asking to see God. Writing him a letter. I took the scriptures and living scripture videos to heart, that if I just had enough faith…. Nothing was impossible to me. I prayed and prayed so hard I cried my little girl eyes out… God, where are you? He never showed. But I still believed.  

I think my deepest desire in my current deep dive was that I wanted to be more connected to God and become more spiritually clear and strong.

During this time, I was also really trying to work on myself, become kinder, less judgmental. I had an encounter with my younger sister, when she opened up and told me she was no longer going to be a member of the church, where I completely freaked out at her. I still remember the hot feeling in my cheeks, the burning in my gut, the clenching feeling I felt when she told me. I felt completely betrayed. How could she? I also had the aha.. the moment of “oh I know what’s happening here.” And can’t you see it?! Satan has got you!! He has led you down this path slowly, and you can’t even see it?!

Those words will forever be etched in my memory. The pain in her face as I said those words. The heaviness in my own as I couldn’t event lift my eyes to meet her gaze.

I was filled with righteous indignation, and I was not about to go down without a fight. 

It would be another year after that moment when the ice started to melt off of my heart. And I started to realize the stupidity of my actions. The tears that came, the heartbreak of realizing the damage I had done. I felt like a monster.

Those moments though… of deep reflection of my reactions, the things I said… where was that coming from? After all, I had been working on myself so much, going to seminars, overcoming fears, improving my life physically, emotionally, financially, and what I thought spiritually…. So why would I react that way? Where did those words come from? Why when all the other parts of my life were driven by love and joy and healthy growth and action, was I an angry, fear and judgmental based person in this area?

Before this moment of realization, I kept thinking of my sister in the great and spacious building, or maybe on her way to it, and I was going to do ALL I COULD to hold fast to the rod. I WOULD NOT FALTER. I WILL NEVER LEAVE. I KNOW THE CHURCH IS TRUE.

In my deepest moments of reflection, when my heart was soft and my mind open, I started to be curious about where my reaction to my sister came from. I really wanted to know. There was literally no other place in my life that I talked or acted or treated anyone that way. 

Attending the temple one day, I got my answers. Satan says it. Straight at the audience, gaze affixed, speaking of anyone who leaves and does not keep their promises made there… telling the audience they will be in his power if they don’t keep all of the promises made there that day. I heard it again and again and had never noticed the chill up my spine like I did this time.

The next general conference, I started to notice some of the same language. FEAR. It was everywhere in the talks. Discouraging people from engaging with those who had left, or have doubts or are speaking anything that’s not 💯aligned with the church. I thought it was weird, but at the same time I was like whatever, I don’t do that anyway. So I’m good.

But whether consciously or subconsciously over the next period of time, I started to close doors to relationships, block and unfollow friends, relatives, my sister of course and anyone else who could possibly influence me poorly and have a negative impact on my testimony. I FORTIFIED MY WALLS. And I was SAFE.

The problem is that over these months that past… even though I was diving in deep to my scripture reading, into my prayers, journaling, podcast, making temple appointments, anything to sit there in a peaceful place and feel PEACE…. I felt nothing. Maybe even less than nothing. I felt closed, blocked, numb. “GOD, where are you?”

I was sitting in a Home Depot parking lot when it hit me. I need to mend some bridges… I need to ask for forgiveness. I need to reach out. 3 people came to mind that had been close to me; had left the church, and I had fortified out of my heart and life for some time now. I was just so scared. What if they affect me, influence me, change my testimony?

But I knew I needed to do it.

One by one, I called. Left a message or sent a text. Tears came. Heart opened. I bawled. I knew I had done the right thing. I needed to love. My fear walls to keep out all that would influence me… were keeping out everything. And love was trying to get through this whole time. I finally let it in.

This experience felt like it opened doors of light. Of seeing…feeling and rising above the fear I had kept myself in for so long. And I would never be the same. 

I started to see fear everywhere. In church talks, in the scriptures… I started to see why I acted the way I did in most areas of my life, especially when it came to how I viewed those who were not of my faith or who had left the faith.

I noticed so many beliefs I hadn’t seen clearly before, the very beliefs that had me shutting people out, judging my sister and viewing the world in three categories for the most part. 1. Those who had the truth & lived the gospel best they could, 2. those who hadn’t heard it yet, but were still good people & just waiting to be converted, and 3. everyone else who was living the worldly ways and engaging in all kinds of sin.

For the most part, my world view was completely black and white. So of course, there was no room for understanding, love or compassion for anything different than this binary view (it’s true or it’s not, there’s nothing in-between.)

Stories in the scriptures started to feel very hurtful and almost painful for me to read. Nephi killing Laban? When God said don’t kill? But why was it ok in that instance? Why was Laban considered evil by God? Wasn’t he a child of God too? I was sure he had a life story that shaped him into the ruler that he was, and it just didn’t seem right for God to say go kill this man. Couldn’t anyone just decide God told them to kill someone out of righteous beliefs then? Is that why things in history like the Ku klux klan happened? How do you know if they decided it or God spoke to them to do it?

I kept reading… People being cursed with a skin of darkness? Black people represent a cursed people? God making threat after threat towards people if they didn’t obey him, pay tithing to him, keep his laws, etc....such a burning them or destroying them. God burning Jerusalem? Weren’t there babies and children and probably pregnant women with unborn children in that city? So even the children and babies and fetuses were wicked? It was everywhere in the stories. God promising to give blessings and exalt and save people if they did exactly what he said, but making threats if they don’t do it…. It was like I was seeing it for the first time. I just couldn’t understand it, I couldn’t make sense of it.

The next Sunday in church, I sat through a D&C lesson about Emma smith’s reaction to Joseph smith introducing polygamy. She was upset and angry. She told Joseph she didn’t want to do it. Then Joseph got a revelation from God that told her if she didn’t stand by him in polygamy, that God would destroy her. (I learned later this meant spiritual destroying). But what’s the difference? A threat is a threat. And God is making direct threat to this woman who has put up with so much already, stood by Joseph and now using her voice and heart to say this practice doesn’t align with her heart, and God threatens to cut her off so she’ll do it anyway?!

I was overwhelmed, distraught at what I was seeing, I couldn’t reconcile these things I was now seeing…and I didn’t know what was happening to me. God and the scriptures just seemed so full of fear and threats.

I didn’t know how to make sense or reconcile what I was hearing and learning. I felt overwhelmed with dissonance. I needed a break.

I turned to more prayer and good books by various Deseret books authors such as Terryl Gibbons… and started to more intently listen to the Faith Matters podcast to soften my turmoil and focus more about the pretty sides of the faith I held so dear. They have a way of making everything seem less black and white, turning more to love and compassion and all the other good things I loved about the church, about Jesus and I found my reprieve there for the time being.

About this time, my older sister came through on a short visit during her travels, and I opened up to her about my struggles. I was so distraught that I was even seeing things like this. I was sad and mad at myself for doubting God, for seeing the bad in the book or Mormon. I felt like a terrible person, but I just didn’t know what to believe anymore. It was like I was waking up for the first time in my life and seeing things I had never seen before, and it was frightening to me.

We talked all night, till about 4am. It was a helpful convo, but I felt exhausted and depleted mentally and emotionally. There were just so many questions welling up inside of me…. How do I know if Joseph Smith was a prophet? Or any of the prophets were prophets for that matter? I don’t know if the church is true. Why is God so angry and threatening, but so many lessons and sentiments are continually taught about him being a God of love? How can I believe that Blacks were cursed, that God cursed people or struck someone dumb if they doubted or spoke ill of him, wiped out entire cities, and continually shamed and threatened if people didn’t obey? I felt like I was in a tailspin and nothing in the scriptures I had always focused on and loved before made sense anymore.

The next day, I got up and going on my day, and after a frustrating, anxiety ridden morning, I found myself curled up I tears on my closet floor. I cried out to God. I think I’m broken! I don’t know if I believe any of it! I don’t believe in Joseph smith or the prophets and I don’t know if the Book of Mormon is true. Was Joseph smith really was a prophet, is the book of mormon true? Are the prophets called by you?

I poured out things I had wondered, what I struggled with, things I had heard or read or been taught, questioned deeply, what just didn’t sit right with me, how I had always had an image in my head of Joseph Smith… as this holy prophet, this glowing, glorified being…. and now completely changed by the reality of learning more deeply about him in our D&C year… lessons that revealed his flawed actions, his regular humanness, his polygamy, things he thought were good or needed to be included in the church suddenly becoming a revelation, but than later would be retracted or changed or even labeled sinful, etc. I thought... either he keeps changing his mind or God does, and why would God do that?? The more I learned, the more he just started to seem like a regular guy, and not the prophet I had always thought of him as. It just couldn’t make sense… how could just some guy, a random boy… get a revelation about starting a church? Let alone the one TRUE church? Why would he rather than any other boy or man or woman…See God and Christ, an angel, get the plates, translate the Book of Mormon, start a church, begin the building of temples, etc. how could it really be true?

Tears and tears and more tears…. I sobbed uncontrollably. My heart was broken. I couldn’t believe I was here now… with these doubts and fears and just feeling so weak.

After the tears subsided, I got a feeling of overwhelming warmth and calm over my entire body. I am loved. I AM LOVED. It must be God I thought… God loves me. And he accepts that I am where I am. It’s all meant to be. I am loved no matter what. And I just surrendered into this feeling.

Then after moments of complete silence and inner stillness…lots of thoughts came.. I can believe whatever I want to believe. I can believe it’s all true or that some of it’s true or that none of it’s true. I can believe that Joseph smith was a prophet, a good or bad man or not a prophet… it’s up to me.

I am loved no matter what. It’s about learning. It’s about growth. It’s about having the life you want to have. It's about being the person you want to be. And I get to choose. I get to paint this picture, it’s up to me.

You’d think in those moments I would be happy. Free. Liberated to have these unbiased and clear thoughts that felt like answers from God.

But I wasn’t. This was directly opposite to what I had always been told. That the church was the absolute truth. That anything leading you away from that knowledge was Satan. That God would always confirm the truth of it…. And yet, here I was being overwhelmed with a different answer.

It scared me. But I also felt like it changed me inside…I was free. Free to learn and grow and see and I was loved and enough just as I am. Even with my doubts and brokenness of my life faith and religious testimony cracking. 

The next Sunday I asked Heavenly Father to help me know what to do… to follow my heart and attend some other churches I’d been wanting to attend, or to go with my family to our church… or maybe both? Please help me know what to do I pleaded.

I looked up some local Christian churches and went to the other church shortly after that. After some research, I decided on a community non-denominational church. I wrote down my thoughts as I sat there. So many ahas… seeing people… seeing love and goodness. The world became a little less black and white for me that day. I saw people deep in their beliefs… different than me, and in a way it felt so good to sit somewhere else and just take it all in…. But another part of me felt uncomfortable, out of my comfort zone and couldn’t help but compare everything I was seeing and experiencing to my lifetime weekly Sunday experience. The low lights, the warehouse feel of the building, the Christian rock Music, the coffee being served (that I was always taught was a sin) and the overall casual atmosphere making things seem so much less spiritual to me. It was hard not to judge. Hard not to compare my lifelong religion to this. 

The next Sunday, I again tried to feel out what to do, God please help me know what to do… do I keep attending other churches, or go with my family to our church… or maybe both? 

When I had researched Christian churches near me, I had decided that non-denomination would be the least amount of historical and cultural biases and expectations, with just more focus on Jesus and good life lessons and friendly community. So I attended another non-denomination church a little after that.

My experience the second time was very similar to my first. And I couldn’t help but feel a comparison and overall lacking feeling. After all, my family wasn’t there. Nothing was familiar, everything felt different. And in a way that was nice, to just come as I am and not be worried about the “fluff” and “perfection” so to speak…All the rules and dressing up and pressure of callings and whatnot.

But… not having my family was hard and it left a huge strain on my heart that I couldn’t ignore. So sometimes I went to both. Attending sacrament and part of the second hour at church with my family, then left to attend a Christian community church.

I also dived deeply into bible study during this time. I must have ordered about 10 different Bible editions. I had only ever read the King James Version because I was taught this was the most accurate. But what were in the others? How were they different, the same? I got some with journaling spots and some with poetry and beautiful daily quotes and sentiments to help guide my reading. One like the C.S Lewis bible with a focus on poetry and philosophy of the Bible. It was fascinating, I realized I had never really read the Bible. After all, it was a pretty hard read. Lots of hard words, weird culture and history that I didn’t even want to know about, and God seemed to change a lot book by book. Sometimes a nice God, sometimes a mean God…. At the same time, I had also started reading the bhagavad gita and the holy vedas. Other religious books that made a huge impact on the world and were also believed to be true. I wanted to expand my mind, my worldview and really understand not only christianity better, but other world religious views as well. But it was a lot, Mind opening...yes... but Gosh I thought, this is just too much.

One Sunday after attending the other churches for a while,  I decided all of this quest for truth and authentic understanding just wasn’t worth it without my family… and after all….there is enough good and joy and happiness in the Mormon church (as long as I didn’t think about the other stuff)… so I’d just go to church with them. After all, all of this church stuff was really to have a happy family and good life wasn’t it? So that’s what I’d do!! I’d choose in, I’d just be there. I’d have a good attitude, show up my best, do my best. After all, I was resilient, courageous and I COULD DO HARD THINGS!!! So that’s what I did week after week for the following months.

Fast forward to 4 months later… sitting in church….The experience my story begins with. I think maybe the feelings I felt represented the slow death of me on the inside. I didn’t see it outwardly, but inside I could feel it. Like my heart and soul were slowly being suffocated out by going through the motions of something that felt so misaligned and so untrue to me anymore….and that day it was like I had reached my limit... maxed out my wiggle room for pretending, of just going through the motions and showing up just a shell of me. And in that moment it was like everything went into slow motion.... things were closing in fast and I felt like I couldn't breathe. 

I didn’t realize that months previous when I had decided to push all my fears and doubts aside and just to choose into church with my family.… I was abandoning my heart, and my inner knowing. Leaving how I felt behind to just be where my family was and do what I had always been taught I needed to do. But now, the inside of me was speaking out... screaming out if only I would listen. 

I had to get out of there. I calmed myself down over the sacrament hour and somehow made it through sacrament meeting. After it was over, I began numbly walking to class, sat down next to my husband in Sunday school, only to get up and walk out of class minutes later. I have to go I said. I can’t be here anymore.

I texted my husband, Brad about 20 minutes later to let him know I was out in the car in the parking lot and I would like to talk if he can come out. He came out and sat down a few minutes later. I was a wreck. I felt too many things. Like an iceberg emerging, a volcano erupting, sirens going off… I was in full overload and erupted all of it… the sadness, the overwhelm, the anger, the confusion. Crying and talking so loud. Getting out the words but being so ashamed I was even saying them at the same time.

We waited for our kids to get out of class and drove home after that. We didn’t talk much the rest of the week. I just knew I was done pretending like this was me anymore… these beliefs, these outward motions of something I was no longer aligned with on the inside, and I just couldn’t go back. I didn’t want to go back. I never wanted to feel that way again.

Two weeks later I got a text from the bishopric secretary asking me to come in and meet with the bishop. I thought “great, what perfect timing.” I was going to avoid it. Say I couldn’t go, make something up... anything. After all it was probably for another calling, and of course I couldn’t handle that right now. I thought it through, and decided the timing was actually great. I could confront my feelings, be honest and upfront with where I was, say no to the calling of course and let the bishop know where I was at with church. 

When it came time to actually meet with the bishop. I could barely get the words out when the tears started to pour down my cheeks. “I am struggling.” “I don’t think I believe the church anymore.” When everyone was challenged to know and find out for themselves if the church is true… I took that challenge seriously last year I said.” I was basically sobbing at this point. He stopped me before I could even fully get the words out. "If you only knew how many people are exactly where you are." I was like what does that mean? No one believes this and we are all just pretending?? He went on... “Sister, I’ve come to realize there are just some things in this life that we are not meant to understand.” I was starting to feel numb again… why is he discrediting my feelings, my emotions and all the work I’ve done to know the truth, what my heart is saying, what I feel? Doesn’t he know I’ve believed these kinds of statements my whole life? The ones that help you let go of how you feel on the inside and just choose back into faith? The only way to make things fit and find peace when your heart starts to feeling the dissonance? “We just don’t know everything.” “We can’t know in this life” “if we had all the answers we wouldn’t have faith.” “There are just some parts of history just we have to look past.” “The people aren’t perfect, but the church is.” I had heard them all, over and over and over again.

At this point, I had years of using these type of statements as well as having them used on me.... to subside questions and inner turmoil….years of just continually stacking things on shelf… up out of the way…things that I didn’t understand.. continually putting my doubts and questions up and away into a part of my brain that I could just turn off so to speak… and it wasn’t working anymore. My shelf had broken. I knew all of those sayings and at this point it just felt cruel. It felt like there was no answers here. No space for these kinds of discussions without things being swept aside and feeling completely gaslit, unvalidated, discrediting all of my searching, wondering, praying.... honest desire to know. I felt upset that these brushing aside of my feelings techniques were used on me again.

I changed the subject… told him I am seeking therapy and help for the trauma in my childhood, and I was going through a lot. He seemed to have compassion about my trauma and childhood issues & encouraged counseling and said the church has counseling resources if I needed help with any of that. But the doubts, the questions, the major transformation that was happenings inside of me. There just wasn’t want much room for that. Just blanket explanations and the repeated statement no matter who was talking to me about their faith.... well "I know It's true, so we don't have to understand everything else, right?" 

I told him I just couldn't be here anymore. He was kind and we ended the meeting. I walked out with a red, tear streaked face… through a foyer full of people about to start the next ward service. I got into my car and drove away crying.

As I drove away, I felt raw, I felt weak and vulnerable, but at the same time somehow deep down an inner peace I had never felt before. I was finally saying how I felt, sticking up for myself. I am being honest. I showing up in how I felt. I am listening to myself even if no one understands. And even though emotions were high, it was like I felt a “coming home” at the same time. Like I was back with heart, my spirit and my inner knowing. 

The months that past weren’t much better. Even though my husband was there for me in my process and present in many conversations as I asked questions, wondered things, explained turmoil with certain things over the year previous…. I quickly realized that he was not at the same place as me. And his fears and judgements and accusations towards were extremely hard to get though.

Aside from his misconceptions and lack of understanding of what I was experiencing, I knew he loved me deeply though. He showed it again and again by engaging in conversations, not understanding necessarily, but trying to. Holding me while I cried in bed, curled up sobbing time and time again as I processed the emotion of all I had just gone through the past months. Seeking couples therapy together to help us navigate this new place we were in. It felt like a death of everything that I had been tethered to… everything I had experienced and found fortress in. It was all shattering… one belief at a time.

Months later I realized I was experiencing grief. Just like someone does with a death or loss of a relationship. I was experiencing the grief of separating from a lifetime of beliefs, religious community and maybe even most of my family. (This comes with the territory of most religions) family will often disassociate, withdraw, or even disown someone, even their own spouse or children over religion. And even though most of my family didn’t know at this point what I had been going though, it was like I was processing ahead of time the reality of what was going to happen. Because in the LDS religion we are told when someone leaves the church, the are abandoning God and following a path of Sin and Satan. So everyone needs to keep a safe distance to protect themselves or work extra hard to love them back into the fold.

I think a huge part of my process of stepping away from the Mormon church, I was just trying to figure out how to be there for my kids. What’s going to happen to them? How to teach them good things without the lessons of the church. Will they be ok? How will they have a moral compass if not for church? And what about our life, our community, our friends, and everyone else who will be so disappointed in us? As a people pleasing person, these thoughts haunted me and I worried so deeply about how it all was going to end up. My family…. They are my everything. I don’t want to break us.

But at the same time, there were different points in my faith transition process, I realized I was breaking on the inside when I was continuing to go through the motions of something that was so misaligned with me… so then it became the realization that if I’m broken and not believing it on the inside, and faking it on the outside… then I can’t be the genuine mother and teacher I want to be for my family either. So I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I had to listen to and trust my process…take one step at a time….take life and teaching and motherhood and all of the life things one day at a time, and hope the answers will come as I am ready for them. 

Part of my healing journey has been sitting with others who are on the same side of the divide as me now.. people who no longer believe the church is true, feel deeply judged, misunderstood, cut off or excluded. So many stories. So many different faith transitions that happened like mine… but at different times, different circumstances and different life experiences that shaped and formed who they are. Some with deep trauma like I had also experieenced, some losing their faith while in the bishopric or high stakes calling, some while experiences deep abuse from their leadership father or husband… then losing their marriages or kids or both when they were honest and authentic about their process and not wanting to be part of the church anymore. Some with gay children or friends who didn’t want to be part of a system of ongoing judgment and abuse towards those individuals anymore. A grown man in tears sharing his story about losing contact with his children because he had no belief in the church anymore and was honest about it with his wife… and others who simply learned things in their testimony growing process that made too many pieces fall apart in their testimony… and decided to be authentic about it rather than pretend… now losing friends, family, community, etc. 

So… as tough as this year has been. This is my story. My journey. My process. And while yes, there have been moments of complete shattering, heartbreak, and surrender. At times feeling so lonely, misunderstood, and judged.…. And other times feeling like nothing makes sense, what’s the point of life now, now just seeing a blank canvas before me that I have to figure out what goes there now. While all of that has been devastatingly hard… It has also been one of the most real and valuable processes of my life.

I’ve realized through this process how much I value honestly. I value authenticity. How strong of a person I am. Strong enough to face this hard process, and how deeply important it is to me to live life in honest authenticity. So important that I'm wiling to be cut off, judged and completely misunderstood to sit in a place of honesty with how I really feel and what I really believe. How restorative it is to my mind and heart and spirit to be allowing myself to be honest and give honesty to myself. And part of that has entailed of lot time of spent learning how to critically and logically think about things... how do I really think and feel about things? And reevaluating again and again how I see people, love, goodness, kindness, God, religion, beliefs, the meaning of life, etc.

I no longer believe that God is a man in the sky controlling everything. Helping someone find their keys while ignoring the innocent little girl being raped or the baby thrown into the gutter. A God who wipes out an entire “Evil” nation or justifying one good guy to kill one Evil man... but then just looking the other way during times like the holocaust and many other terribly tragic times of history. Why didn't he wipe out the Evil guy then?….or other times saving one person or family and destroying an entire nation of people. A God that flooded the earth killing women and babies and fetuses and saving only one righteous family. The God who continued to do this through history and is so inconsistent and horribly violent.. but also loves us? The God who I was taught created us…. But made us so screwed up and flawed and then he judged the crap out of us for being so screwed up and flawed (always taught our natural self is an enemy to God, our natural tendencies, desires... who we are at the core is bad, flawed, needs to be reformed and corrected). A God who had us building up perfect church systems to reinforce these beliefs and make differing steps to worthiness to get back to him…. A God who would send his Son down so we could kill his son so in turn we could save and redeem ourselves from endless misery?

No, that God… does not exist for me anymore. To me…that God was created by generations of elitist thinking people who believe in white male supremacy and that sacrificing your children brought salvation. It’s an age old story… and one I saw pretty clearly in my months of Bible deep dive. Another God created by people... one of many God's created depending on location, culture, heritage and generations of passed down beliefs. Buddha, Allah, Krishna, Shangdi, Brahma, Vishnu, among about 5,000 other God's people worship worldwide. (But of course mine was the right God).

I realized belief in a God is what gives people hope...but then they make that God after their culture and history and then have all kinds of rules and expectations and judgements.... and it divides humanity over and over again.. 

I never thought I would go through this journey and lose the God I had believed in my entire life. I set out to understand my religion, and lost all of it. Like I lost everything I had ever known.

It’s been heart breaking, glass castle shattering… but also extremely beautiful to just go inside, clear out what has never aligned for me… what has felt awful and toxic in my body to keep on justifying, belief that has kept me sorting and wondering and fearing and judging…. and just begin making space for what does align. 

Sometimes, in my moments of deep pain and sadness, I wish I had just stayed where I was before this journey, remaining set in my beliefs… before my desire to get more “spiritually clear.” Other times I am relieved and elated… learning that I am enough and ok and free to be a human here and now and it’s ok NOT to have all the answers and to just sit in the wondering. I’ve found that it makes me a kinder and more loving person somehow…. I think partly because too often “beliefs” become the sword people slay each other with, even if they are well intentioned.

 If I could describe where I’m at now in a visual… where my heart and mind are after all the months of sadness and sorting and mourning and clearing out everything I once was taught … it looks like a large dome with giant windows… light and sunshine coming through. Warmth. Freedom. Stillness. Almost like no thoughts. No pushed on, adopted or inherited beliefs… just a ton of light and calm stillness… just the openness and incredible expansiveness that just keeps rising. Almost like there is no limit to how much I can just love and learn and just be present in experiencing all that there is to experience just by simply being alive here and now. No limit to how much I can just be kind and loving to everyone, no matter what their beliefs are or what their life looks like, even if it’s completely different or opposite from mine.

For the first time in my life trying to figure out the meaning of life without a set of beliefs telling me what it is. What it means to be a good person, how to really show kindness, loving, show up for others without judgement. How to love and accept just simply see and embrace myself for who I am and others for who they are. What’s the point and purpose of life if not to follow these steps and attain the “highest kingdom” and “eternal life?” Maybe just to love? And learn and show up for each other along the way? Maybe it’s less about getting ahead of one another or "saving and converting" everyone to your path... and more about just all being where we are at any given moment.. in the bad, good happy, sad.

In this process I've learned to surrender. To be ok with what is rather than knowing everything.  I’ve let go of having to be “right” and have all of the answers all of the time.

And maybe I will figure out who or what God is in this unknowing and openness stage going forward... and maybe not. Maybe that's not the point. I no longer think having absolute certainty and "knowing" is the point anymore. 

I think we are all just learning, growing, healing, and discovering. And I think there are so many ways we can do this better. And I think learning to sit in the openness, the stillness and the questions can teach us more than anything. 

It was also relieving months after my exit to learn that the church, as I had always been taught was true... with the revelations and translations and prophets and temples and all of the history and everything that made the book of mormon true... was actually not true.

I was initially shocked, appalled and distraught when I first found out, but then ultimately felt this deep validation of like "wow, no wonder why I always wondered that, felt that, didn't sit right with that, etc. The CES letter, LDSdiscussions.com, the mormon stories podcast and the LDS.org gospel topics essays helped me piece this part of my searching process together. And all of the answers... given an open mind, time to really dive in, healthy critical thinking, sound evidence & simple logic... fit together perfectly. Like a puzzle I finally had all of the right pieces to... it just all fit. No extra excuses or shelving or sweeping under the rug necessary.. it just all made sense. In the middle it was messy and emotional...but in the end it was a very peaceful relieving experience. Like I could finally let go of a heavy weighted backpack I had been lugging around my entire life, didn't even know at times what all was in it...but then... when it was all laid out and sorted and I got my answers, I was finally free.

As I continue my experiences and interactions with people who have left the Mormon church, gotten out of the Jewish community, the FLDS religion, made a friend who left Pentecostalism, etc... I am continually reminded how innately good people are. How much we all seek for honestly and authenticity and truth. And those who have been brave enough to blaze the trail through it are some of the strongest, most authentic people I have ever met....They also have many scars to show, and are usually completely judged and misunderstood by the people they love most. They are often labeled, judged, shamed, exiled or excluded and treated with an ongoing judgement that keeps them in a state of deep inner sadness no matter how beautiful and happy and authentic their life is now. The pain of being so deeply misunderstood is one that is hard to describe in words. 

I hope we can change this. Today, tomorrow, next week and the week after that.

It just takes facing your fears. Sitting down with someone you don't understand, listening to them, letting go of shame and fear and judgement and just learning to see in way you haven't let yourself see before. 

I believe we can do it. We have to.

For things to change, we have to change. 

More love, more kindness, less beliefs that cause harm, shame and fear. That's how I see it changing.  

Thank you for reading and listening to my story. 

Best wishes and much love to each of you on your own Journey's. I will be here to love and accept you even if yours is completely different than mine. If I've learned anything, it's that people, relationships and love are the key.

So keep growing, keep listening, keep following that quest your heart is leading you on even now. Every journey matters. Every person matters. What you feel and strive for matters. You are amazing. You are loved. You've got this my friend. 

 

Tirza